so i just started this blog..it was as easy as that, set it up and away i go.i just have to get started...gonna get so much better ,as i figure out how to do this. i have to start today...today is the 11th, this is the start of my new year. i went to bed under a full moon, and woke to the warmth of the sun on my body...i am alive. i have so many ideas of what i want to write about, what i will write about...
as its coming to me, for only me, my journey....a journal
though i know, as i speak the truth, there are many beautiful faceless people , who will resonate with my story, so i go ahead...this is my journey, my work.
Celibacy to love...i have thought it many times, but today, jan. 11 2009...2+9=11....i will practice those words.
this is where i am at:
to wonder if you will love, be loved like that very first time ....
what he seems to be, looks like to me...."SEND ME TO ME,SEND HIM TO ME"
note: i reserve the write to add and change as need be
2pm january 11th. 2009
i imagined him the other day, while touching myself, fantasies of old lovers, the faces of my past...they make him.
saying the words aloud, i heard , felt the meaning. the realizations...
some came slow, soft a rush, body arches, strong and warm...touching, moving...not thinking "thinking".
DREAM, out loud...asking for it, for him , the tears ran d
own my face. wet to remind the truth inside this journey.i want to adore everything about him, all his actions quirks...the works
he understands me
has patience
makes me laugh.
turns me on, out into the world (book, wisdom, travel,the arts, music, dance, theatre, games, style).
open conversations!
slower, body melting into my fingers, with every movement acute sensations.
body rush, a thought, they dance together. the wetness...the warmth. body falling into the passion. rhythm .tears still falling . reminder of all before me. face planted in the bed, body rotating, back rounded, the animal rising. brushing across my fingers, my ass high, legs spread...OPEN.
3pm january 11th. 2009
I'm lonely right now...have not taken my "heart" meds for several weeks now. I can tell, i need them. It hurts deep, this recognition HArd. Except, Accept...accepting self, no exceptions.
I love you ...deeper the pain, heavier the tears, i grimace, face distorted in pain...my eyes, face hurts, darker deeper REDD
4pm january 11th. 2009
"don't go so deep...the deeper you go, the harder it will be to get out".....My body feels like a restrained dragon wanting to breath fire, my iawaxa(not sure about spelling, and when i figure this blog thing out i will have definitions and links...so much fun) ,experience comes to mind...the passion , dying to get out, a fire , a power...roaring from deep within just wanting to be set free....F R O Z E N...i am frozen
5pm january 11th.2009
i admire all he does, everything he touches, he me!
goofy but cool
keeps things light
serious art, oh boy
passion fire
urgency
trusting truth
emotional intelligence
friendship
laughter my friend
his soft and loving
a communicator
Strong arrogance not stepping on others...supportive
allows safety to laugh at myself
confidant
learning teaching
freedom
an understand patience of me
turns me out, on....in it.
me, wanting to be the best i can be
style, his own unique style, hott.
wanting to want him, a gift given to me
admiring all about him
seeing clearly
6pm january 11th. 2009
I walk from my car...the air sweet , calm.
at the cross, looking to the sun a stretch...so blessed. deep breathing.
save me...
"beautiful morning"
a figure blacked out by the sun in my eyes, confident, looming..he smiles.
i can feel his smile, warms me differently than the sun.
In Peets the men.
the adoration
comments
desires
these older men
my friends
admirers...they gawk and aw, to my embarrassment.
uncomfortable almost
the noise
loud, my corner
they hang like bees "you smell so sweet', couch says."i just want to be in that sweetness, find that spot..."
he goes on to describe several spots, the softness at the small of my back, behind my ears. His words colour a picture, something i want.
If you can have that unspoken connection with someone, your on the right track.
he laughs at the REDD in my cheeks
dimples
no longer looking into my eyes.
my gaze dancing like my smile, its both flattering and ridiculous.
"My father warned men ;ike you..."
From such an early age, i had such distrust. "they only got one thing on their minds"
7pm january 11th. 2009
So what did i go do...
FUCK EM......fucked all of them, like wallpaper their faces. the images would cover with so much colour. each a different story, a different encounter, moments, ages, places, the dance entirely different. all ways...all good. leaving me wanting more... pleasurable...powerful. lingering. wanting....
always ending LONELY.
This has been my dance into love....lots of healing to be had here...
i say again...
i shout...
i cry...
i dream...
8pm january 11th. 2009
Celibacy to LOVE!
9pm january 11th. 2009
Past actions to, "save me from getting hurt" only prevented me. prevented me from getting into real relationships.
10pm january 11th. 2009
Heal with your father.
Heal with Sam.
forgive what he put on to my sexuality, how he treated my men, my friends...what his touch(never sexual) has been like ...my dance into LOVE. how he learned me of male character, i don't think i ever felt safe, it real.
hard to read your love...rejected both you and Linda when i needed love the most
she is gone, you are not.....
LOVE ME!
11 pm january 11th. 2009
2009 revolutions, as Linda and i would always say.....taking the control to change and do things different, not resolving into it....
tomorrow i will list.
now i sleep.
H.
